Seniorita @ Misteryosa.com

It’s quite a long time since I came back and posted something in here. Now I am typing what my mind says. No need to tell but this one’s might be just a random post. So beware if you probably won’t digest what I’m gonna say here.

So, waz up? Waz up with me? Hmmm. The semester’s gonna end by now. Soon, not until Ondoy came and moved the dates of deadlines since acads has to be suspended. It’s just so terrible. I am not happy with everything. The moving of acads calendar, the suspension of classes, the havoc that Ondoy brought, the hassle for everyone, everything.  They’re spontaneous and no one’s really in mind to think this might happen. One word, TERRIBLE!

I am not directly affected by Ondoy except for my 12-yr old brother who slept at SM Centerpoint after being stranded at the establishment ’cause of flash flood. Other than that, I saw my friend’s house ruined by the flood itself. He lives in Marikina and he was one of those wreaked and left with soiled stuff at home. I could not just imagine what happened. It’s so sudden.

Now Pepeng’s coming. I am horrified with what might happen. Our house’s not sturdy enough to withstand strong winds, I feel so. We were just so lucky we were not swept by Ondoy but with Pepeng, I really don’t know. I could not do any better by now but pray for the safety of my family and for everyone.

As much as I want to help in relief operations, I can’t really leave home and leave my dad alone unless I have very important thing to do or if I feel the weather’s fine for a certain day. My Mom’s not here, as you may not know it and I have younger brothers to look after. I know my dad needs my help. So I can’t really stay very late or my dad will worry. Though I went in Brgy. UP Campus last Monday and did some feeding program for the nearby affected areas.

Nonetheless, these are just some of my qualms in life. Not to mention the academics that surely stresses me now (actually it never really fails to stress me out). Our thesis is going on but due to cancelled classes, our survey procedures are quite not going very well. Our feasibility study also tries to meddle over my free hours and pushes me to work and work and work. But the crazy thing about my student life is that I still include my ‘being performer stuff a.k.a My KG life’. Speaking of which, our applicants just finished their recital last Tuesday Oct. 29, 2008 despite the threat to weather. Another thing though, I became lax with my ‘activist mode’ since I could not really evenly weigh things that much during times like these. I became too busy with KG and acads.

If you want to stalk me or get an update, perhaps, I am very active in facebook. Yes, I am. Hehehe My url is http://www.facebook.com/jezzstarr. I don’t update my twitter, my multiply, or friendster. Just facebook. I don’t have a secretary to do all of them! I just have my two hands and some ample free time to update my virtual profile.

There. Pretty serious post I have here, I guess. I made it as short and as straight as possible and so bear with me.

Connect with me? OK?

Before I forget… This is my latest video which was aired in Umagang Kay Ganda last September 24, 2008. I was one of the musicians here and the cam was focused on me (yuck, yuck). Hehehe.. Hope you enjoy the video.

and my Graduation Picture for the yearbook. :S

You  missed me or you didn’t, I don’t care!! Hahaha! *ang taray ba? LOL

I feel a lil bit refreshed right now. God really is making my life more interesting. I am happy coz finally my dad got a teaching job. After months of being the wife husband (coz my mom is in somewhere else), he will teach again in one of the colleges in Legarda. He used to be a professor and he quit but he masters Physics, Math and Drawing. I am so happy for him. I wish him the best of luck and lots of blessings from God for his new job!

Ok,  I am actually writing all these stuff not just for the sake of telling them. I prefer to take down all that happened to me during those times that I have been busy since at the end of the day I actually would like to assess myself whether I’ve done anything good or in the process I hurt anyone else. Blogging for me is not just a tool for ranting and telling but it’s rather a ‘reflection’ medium for me, to make me reminisce everything and as days would pass by, I would just say to myself while reading it, “O! This happened pala! Nakakatawa naman” or “Ay, namimiss ko ‘tong mga moments na ito”. But ironically, I deleted my previous posts, hehehe. All of it! coz I find them very bitter and very childish. I started typing one day,I revived this blog and I said to myself, “Ayoko nang maging bitter. Forget the past. Erase. Erase. Erase.” Minsan talaga tinotopak ako.

Anyhow, with few days left of bumming, I spent time with my friends and him. Yesterday, I introduced him to my cousin, and he was to first one that I actually introduced to any of my relatives. We bonded, the three of us, but I was happier that I had more time with him before the school starts. We watched a french film in Shangri-La Mall which was sponsored by French Embassy. I think this is an annual activity in Shangri-La and it actually was for free! The last time I was invited there was when I still had my Italian class and that time it was the Italian Film Festival. Cool noh?

The festival opens on Friday, June 5, 2009 at 6:30 p.m.

at the Grand Atrium Level 2 of Shangri-La Plaza

For more info, go here.

Moving on, last monday we went to our favorite Uncle Tat’s place located in Kalayaan Avenue and we did karaoke-ing. It’s usually our bonding activity if not Rockband!!! Wooh! Rockband! Then we played pool. Dearie and I were partners and we won. We’re great. Hahaha. That was the first time again that he accompanied me to the loading area when I got home. Naku, lagi kasi kaming nag-aaway!

Another thing, that morning on the same day, I met ‘manong driver’. Hahaha. Meron kasi akong isang jeep na laging nasasakyan na may biyaheng Fairview. Mga tatlong beses na akong napapasakay sa jeep niya at dahil dun kilala niya na ako. Hahaha! While on a different jeepney, and I was seating in front, a man called me “Oh, musta ka na? Graduate ka na day?”, with manong’s bisayan accent. “Hindi pa po eh. Fourth year na ako!”, I replied. Then he went on though it occured to me like he was murmuring coz I couldn’t fully understand his accent. Sorry naman manong!

Nakakatuwa lang talaga yung feeling na may biglang magha-hi sa’yo. Di ba?

Wednesday came. I met new friends na mga tibak. Ayah, is the tibak girl that I knew na mejo conio. Hehehe. But she’s nice and she’s well versed with what she was explaining. By the way, I met her through an ED or Educational Discussion that they usually hold in different colleges. Marami niyan dito sa UP. Well apparently, it was out of boredom that I listened to their discussion. I was not active of any sort to any political activities in school.

But as I had explained to them while having rest after the ED, though I do lots of stuff in school, though I am loaded with research and functions and night-outs with friends, I am still searching something in my life that I feel would fill in the boredom in me. I feel like, what if this is it!? What if this would introduce a new prospect of self-fulfillment that I’ve actually been looking to? Ang akin lang, hindi sapat na nagagawa kong magpayabong sa pansariling interest lamang. Hindi ito ang magiging sukat ng aking kasiyahan. Mas nanaisin kong may magawang bagay para sa aking kapwa. Ayun lang.

And since I’ve finished the enrolment and I’ve finally paid the tuition after many days of loitering in school, I am not allowed to go out of the house. This is sooooooooo sad! My cousin and I are supposed to watch the Pussycat Dolls concert, but hell no… I don’t know if I can go out.

To keep you updated or be notified that I post new entry, kindly subscribe to my feed. It’s located on the upper right corner. I guess that’s just easy to be found. ;P

To leave you with something useful for today, I’ll share to you guys what I learned. The Filipino term for nosebleed is ‘balinguyngoy’. That’s what my  friend told me. Nyehe!

Too many things rush through my head. School, life, him, my family. They kinda mix up. I often imagine of things that I would be having in the future. am I going to have my own house? car? or will I be able to shop for my fave dresses? cool make-ups and upscale perfumes?  Most of them pertains to my ambitious goal of becoming rich, when I can finally buy the things I want.

But what really pushes me to think that way is my dad. Well, financially speaking we aren’t very well stable. Everyone would agree to me that life gets worse every year. My dad is a licensed engineer but doesn’t have a job ever since we closed our small scale restaurant business last December. He was not able to acquire a job related to his degree. Uhm, too many things changed that day. My once slightly-luxurious life slowed down. I used to eat in fancy restaurants that I want. I was able to buy shirts by my own money coz I got extra allowance before. Getting along with my rich friends before is not a problem for me. Well, that was my poignant past.

And I do try to cope with what I am having right now. Adapting isn’t really a big deal for me. I am very much flexible (as far as I know) but what I can’t take is my father’s rantings, regrets, what if’s , false hopes and many more. I do feel him and I am sorry for him but I can’t consume the fact that he is finally losing hope.  He’s being pessimist.

It might be easy for me to say we can be well-off few years from now or better wait dad, we’ll bring back our business again since I am still young and has lots of potentials. To say at least, I am still far from what my parents have reached in their life but I am more than eager to prove to my dad it’s not yet the end. We’ll get there, as I am always saying to myself.

By solely thinking of future, I just can feel my whole body shaking. Oh yes I am firm and strong-willed young woman as of this moment but what if things won’t go on well (my alterego says). I am afraid to fail my dad and  I can’t afford it, not by any chance. But even though afraid, threatened or feeling vulnerable- I only know one thing, I’ll go on. I must.

You know, never have thought I could dream as big as I do right now. What I wanted as a kid was to be cashier. I was happy back then to be able to operate the cash register, to ask for money, give change to my customers. That WAS it! My dream could be as simple as that. But I realized as I look for my real happiness in life, I wanted to get more complicated things and sooner it involved not just myself but also my loved ones. THEY are also ME. That is how I love my family.

Before I marry I promise to myself that I’ll buy dad a house and lot. Maybe, a car too. And lots of fighting cocks. Haha. Sabungero kasi eh. LOL. Plus, I will travel (definitely) around the world!!!!!! Who can stop me now?

This is gonna be a short post from your lovely lady, moi. My relatives are here today to spend All soul’s day, loser though. We were not able to go home in the province and pay visit to our deceased loved ones. What we have are plenty of sticky dishes like the famous Spanish dish Valenciana and also we have Biko. I also prepared macaroni salad and for add-ons, my auntie brought kakanin and one whole piece of chicken which we cooked in convection oven. Yum! Yum! Holidays really are making people fat since food feasting is in no way should be out of the picture. I’m gonna eat by now and I’ll go down and meet my folks. Happy halloween my dear friends. Don’t forget to pray for our loved ones who already passed. God bless to all!

I just want to have time to blog before I start my official “puyatan session” for 105 lab report. To be straightforward to you guys, I do want to write right now coz I am feeling bitter and sad. Why? Umm… Just moments ago I relized that I missed my boyfriend. I mean, my ex boyfriend. Our story never really ended officially coz no closure or any conversations were held during the time we broke up. Our communication just stopped right after our birthday. It was so sudden that none of us either texted the other, as if both were just waiting who shall stop the “useless” thing first. I described our relationship as sort of “useless” for the fact that was a long distance relationship and never did we see each other again almost a month now. Yes, we went along together for 2 months. We had good conversations then but I felt like what were doing was insane! That was crazy dude coz I know it was going to nowhere in the first place. He was far from me. I was in Manila and he was in Batangas. C’mon… but the thing was, I didn’t see any effort from him and I started to have doubts whether he and her ex girlfriend were together again. Everything could happen that time. What I was thinking was very possible. And until now, I have been thinking the same.

I am sad coz suddenly I realized that everything just sink in to me at this moment. Yes, just now. We stopped talking to each other a week ago but the sadness just surfaces at the start of this day. I suddenly miss him, I miss our conversations and I miss hearing his voice. But I can’t cry for him coz I just can’t. I don’t want to cry over such things, though I am hurt. If one day we’ll see each other again, I wish I have moved on and I pray that, that will be the time I have accepted everything that concern us. God, I wish I’ll be ready if that moment comes.

Whatever may be, may be. The future’s not ours to see… Que ser ra, ser ra. What will be will be.

Now that he’s gone and now that it’s over, I am back to my old days. Single and hopefully happy. Yes, I am happy somehow that I can focus on other things, like my studies and work. Now is the time, I think, that should straight up everything that I have mistakenly taken. Yep, in the first place our relationship is not known by my parents. My mom is against, really, in any relationship that I will be having, to be honest. She said to me one day on the phone that she will never really like me to have a boyfriend right now. She will only allow me to have one once I graduate in college. God, that is a huge sin I have done. tsk tsk. Forgive me mom. I will try to be a good girl again. I love my mom so I should not have done that (keeping the relationship) to her and I do declare myself guilty of such action.

I miss my mom so much. She’s been in London for almost 7 months. Damn, that is quite a long time of sadness since I have not been feeling her physical presence at all. I do see her in cam when we chat, I do hear her voice when she calls but what I want really is to feel her skin and flesh beside me, that I can hug her so tight like never before.

To mama, I miss you. We miss you.

How I wish this sadness I feel will vanish only if I can be with you again. I want to go to London soon, so soon.

Good thing blogs are here to serve as my freedom wall to express everything  I want to say. Who invented this, I owe this you. Yeeehhaa!

Ito ang parte ng buhay ko kung kailan nagkakasabay-sabay ang lahat. Family issues, Acads, Love life. Kaloka!

Sa totoo lang, mas gusto kong mag-emote ngayon ukol sa isang bagay na nagpapagulo ng utak ko. Gusto ko lang naman kasi linawin sa sarili ko kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko para kay *tut*. Parang OO na HINDI. Unang-una sa lahat, sobrang naaappreciate ko yung fact na meron palang taong nakakaappreciate sa akin. At sa puntong ito, si *tut* lang talaga ang unang taong diretsahang nagsabi sa akin ng feelings niya. Ang iba kasi dinadaan pa sa pagpaparamdam [na mas nakakalito]. Kung talagang galing sa puso yung sinabi niya, oh well, sobrang matutuwa ako. Kaso, hindi ako kumbinsido sa salita lang. Meron akong feeling na hindi niya talaga minimean yung sinasabi niya. Though alam kong parte noon ay totoo [in fairness to him].

Sinabi ko naman sa kanya simula’t sapul na priorities ko ay ang pamilya ko at studies ko, syempre. Pero bilang isang makulit at pursigidong? tao… eto, ginugulo niya ang buhay ko! Weird lang kasi, nung minsang hindi ko siya nakita nang isang linggo, na-miss ko siya ng sobra. Pero ayun din yung moment na namimiss ko yung friends ko, mama ko, at kung sinu-sino pa. Kumbaga, state of depression ko yun. At doon, sumabay yung pagkamiss ko sa kanya. Hint na ba yun na meron nga akong feelings for him? Kaya naman nung nalaman ko yung bago niyang number, dahil nawala nga yung fone niya, agad ko naman siyang tinext. At natuwa naman ako na meron na kaming communication ulit. At natutuwa ako pag nakikita ko siya. Weird.

Pero sa ngayon, isang bagay lang ang sigurado. Hindi ko masusuklian ang feelings niya for me. Sure thing po yun! Gusto ko itong sabihin sa kanya pero natatakot ako baka hindi niya na ako pansinin ulit. Kung anuman ang mangyayari, kung sakaling sabihin ko sa kanya ito…. tatanggapin ko nang maluwag. Kahit wala ng ‘hi-o-hello’ galing sa kanya, oh well, ano pa nga bang magagawa ko?

Natatakot din ako [bilang pagpapatotoo sa sarili ko] na baka hindi ko siya maipaglaban sa parents ko. Kilala ko ang mga magulang ko. Bilang sila’y may mataas na pangarap para sa akin, baka hindi nila matanggap si *tut* na isang mananayaw. Wala namang masama sa ganoong trabaho. Katunayan, hindi lang siya isang mananayaw. Maraming taong nakakakilala sa kanya dahil siya ay nanalo sa isang dance show??? Di ko sure.

Basta, ang hirap!

I just can’t commit. Not yet. Not now.

Napansin niyo bang nawala bigla ang mga luma kong entries? Isa lang ibig sabihin niyan. Binura ko na silang lahat. Naiinis lang kasi ako sa sarili ko habang binabasa ko ang mga iyon. Nalaman kong mga walang kwentang bagay pala ang mga pinagsusulat ko. Ang babaw naman kasi ng pag-iisip ko. Siguro, nagbago na’ng pananaw ko sa buhay. Matagal na rin kasi buhat nang isulat ko ang huling entry ko. Ang childish ng dating sa akin. Sa tagal ng panahon, maraming nagbago (siguro)- ang pagkatao ko, ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay, at maging priorities ko.

Buhat nang tumuntong ako sa edad na 18, maraming pagsubok ang gumulantang sa mundo ko. Sa totoo lang. Nagsabay-sabay lahat ng problema ko. Tungkol sa pamilya, pag-aaral at love life. At sa unang pagkakataon, kinailangan kong maging isang independent na tao. Oo, nabasa mo nga nang tama- independent!

Unang-una sa lahat, natuto akong mapalawak pa ang aking social circle. Ito ang panahon kung kailan ako sumali sa pinakamamahal kong Org- ang UP SHARP. Natuto akong i-appreciate ang social life ko buhat nang pumasok ako sa UP. Hindi naman kasi ako aktibo sa mga orgs noong high school. Ang totoo, ni walang organization sa MaSci. Kung meron man, invitational lang. Sa unang pagkakataon din nakasali ako sa patimpalak ng pagkanta! At siyempre pa, hindi iyon solo (dahil mamamatay ako kung gayon). Sumali ako sa choir ng aming college at kami’y naging bahagi ng inter-college carol fest. Napagtanto kong may talento rin pala ako sa pagkanta. Akalain mo yun?!?

Sa panahong ito rin natututo akong balansehin ang buhay acads at buhay pamilya ko. Kinailangan kong tulungan ang aking pamilyang i-manage ang aming negosyo. Isang fancy restaurant ang naisip ng aking mga magulang at tumagal na rin ito ng 4 na taon. At bilang BS HRIM student, isang paraan na rin ito upang hasain ang aking galing sa pagmamanage ng negosyo. Nakakapagod ngunit kailangan kong kumayod. Kahit pagod na galing sa eskwela, kailangan pa rin magbantay. Naniniwala kasi kaming hindi lalago ang negosyo kung ipagkakatiwala mo lang sa ibang tao. Isa yan sa mga nakatatak na sa isip ko. At napatunayan ko namang ito’y totoo.

At dahil kasalukuyang naghihirap na ang buhay dito sa ‘Pinas. Napilitang umalis si Mama patungong London upang doon maghanap ng trabaho. Ito ang isang bagay na nagpapahirap sa amin sa ngayon at sinusubukan kong maging matatag. Naiintindihan ko ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ng mga pamilyang hindi buo dahil sa ibang bansa nagtatrabo ang kanilang kaanak. Hindi naman ito ang unang beses na malayo sa aking mga magulang. Ang totoo, nagtrabaho si Mama sa Hongkong noon bilang isang DH at sa Papa sa isang construction sa Taiwan. Pareho silang umalis at ako’y naiwan sa pangangalaga ng aking Lola noong ako’y 4 na taong gulang pa lamang. Buti na lang at napagdesisyunan nilang magsama ulit.

Naging mahirap para sa aming lahat ang panibagong pagsubok na ito lalo na sa aking mga kapatid. Naiintindihan ko ang aming sitwasyon, pero sila?? Sila’y mga bata pa lamang at bilang sila’y lumalaki, mahalagang nasa tabi nila si Mama. Masakit, malungkot Pero kailangang magtiis.

Bilang isag dalagang tao… dumarami na rin ang mga lalaking nanliligaw sa akin. Nakakatawa na nakakakilig na nakakabaliw na nakakainis. Isa ito sa mga pinakabago sa buhay ko. Ni minsan hindi naman kasi ako nagkaroon ng boyfriend. Noong hayskul, puro pag-aaral lang ang inatupag ko, bilang isang estudyante ng science high school. Wala sa bukabularyo ko ang kumerengkeng Pero ngayong college na ako.. aba aba… nagugulat lang ako sa mga nangyayari. Kabilaan ang mga nanghihingi ng number ko. At biglang may nagtatanong, “Gusto mo ba ako?”… Nakakaloka! Wait lang ha…. Ngunit kahit na ganoon, priority ko pa rin ang pag-aaral ko at pamilya ko. Sa totoo lang, wala akong balak magkaroon ng boyfriend. Tapos.

Mahirap kasi sa aking pagsabayin ang lahat ng iyon…. lalo na’t kailangan ako ng aking Papa dahil wala naman siyang ibang katuwang sa pagpapalaki ng aking mga kapatid. Kumbaga, natatakot akong baka ma-out of focus ako. Masarap ma-in love. Pero hindi sa ngayon.

Natatakot ako sa mga pwedeng mangyari. Kinakabahan para sa mga darating pa. Pero isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito, kailangan kong maging mas matatag para sa sarili ko at maging sa ibang tao.

hulaan niyo kung sino ako diyan..